Thursday, May 23

Enjoying it.

I feel that it's important every once in a while, especially after a particularly tiring series of eventful days, to just sit in your bed that's made, in your room that's half clean by your husband, and just enjoy cats catching flies and birds chirping through an open window. Today I am lamenting all of the time gone by without writing anything in this blog. I am contemplating how in the last few months, my writing has consisted of (1) Letters to my unborn child, contemplations of creating life and growing bellies. (2) E-mails detailing what and how and when everything in the community garden will and has taken place. (3) random complaints on facebook about either how stressed I've been, how my body is a completely foreign entity, or how I really can't wait to get done with school. I've come to the conclusion in this contemplation that if I had written anything here, it probably would have been tainted with the constant angst and negativity that is a simple reality when one feels that their body is not their own and discomforts are uncontrollable. Therefore (note to self) please conclude that it was probably for the best that I havn't posted anything.

Today I feel  blessed. It seems like for a lot of years my life was riddled with confusing moments where I didn't know how to reach out to people through, what to me, were living horrors. Since in most cases I didn't know anyone who had lived through similar circumstances I felt very alone. There were moments of accompanying loved ones suffering trauma and living with the consequences, inability to conceive children, losing special people to acts of suicide or other tragedy; and most recently, half of my remaining family choosing self imposed insanity and isolation over loving, honest relationships. All of these things have taken their toll on me. And though there have been beautiful, wonderful, unignorable things, it only took me all of twenty minutes to phrase the run-on, incomplete sentence that mentions my hardships. However the last couple weeks, as I've been de-stressing from a few busy, sick, and stressful months, I've also been made aware of challenges that other people are going through and I feel (1) an enormous amount of guilt for not knowing how to reach out to them in their hard moments (2) A desire to help them feel comfort in their moments of grief, and (3) life has definitely taken a turn for the calm, quite waters that follow a rain storm. The last few years have felt more like a series of motor boats on a lake. In their wake the waves come crashing over and over, each time stronger, followed by yet another boat. Me being the only one who doesn't have a motor to push through. So I feel a sense of enormous relief that some hard moments are past for me, even though for others they are only beginning.

So I've decided that there are only a few simple things to do. This moment seems so clear. I know where I'm going. Life is just a normal flush of fortunate and unfortunate events. I ache for the trauma that is life for many I care about and I can do a lot to ease other's burdens, but I feel a weight lifted by gratitude for what is in my path right now: Watching my fascinating children, Loving my adorable, hardworking husband, Growing and making good food (and babies) and Enjoying it.

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