Kid Stuff: Anything but School.

It's about time I posted something about home school. I really should say, about unschool. But I'm a little chicken. It's kind of like a swear word to a lot of people and I don't know enough to be confident in it anyway. I'm not exactly a tried and true believer. After all, I have a two year old and a 4 year old who don't speak much yet. It isn't exactly like we sit and talk about what they want... Unschooling is basically allowing and facilitating your child to pursue whatever it is they want to do. Not a controlled and constantly surveillanced atmosphere, but one in which they choose how they spend their time and there is no pressure that they are suppose to be or do something specific with learning. But I still limit their TV watching and I think it would definitely be a problem if I let Ada do what she wanted all the time. Maybe I just need some more deschooling. Either way, with my children's specific needs I do feel that unschooling is really the closest form of assisted learning that I identify with. If for one thing only, it's because I want them to learn how to learn. I am not a Teacher. I am a Mother. I could teach and teach and get frustrated for weeks at a time, which I have done, and see nothing learned. 

I'm pretty sure that if I took Ada to a Doctor he would tell me how behind she is in a million ways and prescribe to have some testing done to see where she is at. But what it comes down to is this: I really don't care how my children compare to other children on a scale of normality vs. the child. What is important to me: I see Ada picking up on new things every day. I see her learn new words and play new games with her dolls, pretend new scenarios. I see how she tries to interact with other kids. It's a reality that not many people understand and I have to remind myself of on a regular basis that kids learning two languages at once have a different learning process than those that don't. And whatever that entails, it is worth the wait.

So what we ARE doing is looking for lots of bugs in the back yard. On the kids play house they have a little basket of Ivy that they love to water, and we're starting a raised garden bed together. We've been giving all of the earth worms we've found a new home in their little bed. I also have Ada signed up for a summer camp at a Wasatch Community Gardens and she'll start soccer in a few weeks.

Definitely what I am most concerned about is helping Ada have more interaction with other kids. Not because I am concerned about this in general, but because SHE is. She is such a little socialite. She doesn't know how to make friends or initiate play, she mostly just does what she wants and expects all the kids to follow her, but she WANTS to. So I think Soccer will be awesome for her. And meanwhile we play as much as we can with our awesome cousins and a few good friends.

The other thing Ada is doing is experimenting with music. Our house is an ongoing concert, just not one anyone would want to go to. Accept me, because singing out of tune with my two blossoming rock stars is my kind of thing. For Ada's Birthday we bought her a Ukelele. She doesn't know how to play yet, and neither do I. But I play some guitar and I know I'll be able to teach myself tuning and chords and then teach her as well. I just have to get on it!

We also read together, or I read to them, or they just look at books. But that's just part of life. And that is the whole point. Learning is a natural part of enjoying life. the most important thing that we can do on a daily basis is just LIVE...

They live. I live. They see me live, love, write, read, be. And the natural human part will pick up on all the rest.

Music, Language, Food, Nature, Art.

As I contemplate Ada's life with me as her Mother, I've stressed about one thing more than others:

How will I teach her? 

Recently I've started to realize that this, in my case, is the wrong question. Right now in Ada's Life I see in her one persistent revolving trait. She wants to be like me.

Is it normal that it's taken me this long to figure this out? 

About a year ago when I started to do home school related activities, I tried to come up with a lot of crazy ways that I could teach Ada things. First and foremost, her letters. Ada had been drawing on our walls since she realized that pencils and pens make marks and recently she had moved to drawing squiggly horizontal lines. I made an awesome magnetic chalk board to fiddle with. And the kitchen was constantly filled with Sesame Street Alphabet songs (I may or may not know all of them by heart). All these things told me it was time to play with drawing the letters. So we talked about A for Ada. We started playing, me drawing the upward and downward slopes, she finishing with bar across. It didn't take very long until she was drawing A on everything and pointing out every A and drawing the cross bar on any letter or image with a triangle without a cross bar, thus making it into an A. We went on to D, so we could write her name and U because I thought it would be a good idea to make a word that she would know. UVA, Ada's then favorite fruit.

Then something happened. Ada no longer liked drawing letters. Everytime I moved to the chalk, Ada would run away because she didn't want to do that. She was past it. She knew how to draw her A and she was done. She didn't even want to sing the fun monster songs very much anymore.


It seems like this happened every time I have came up with a brilliant idea for how we could get from one leapfrog of learning to the next. Ada eventually rejects what it is she's being taught.  From drawing letters to pushing shapes through holes, to dressing herself and potty training.

The best piece of advice I was ever given was from my sister of five children. Not all of them were potty trained perfectly. She certainly had her share of struggles in that area, which is why I knew she knew the difference. On the subject of potty training, she told me simply, do not pressure them.  Somehow I was able to leave the pressure out of potty training, but Ada could feel it in other aspects of my mothering. She could feel it simply because it was there. I wanted her to learn those things. I spent a lot of energy everyday trying to incorporate learning modules into the fun things we did, and the not so fun things. Somehow I let slip how important it was to me that Ada learn these things. But being a three year old, the only thing Ada wanted to do was play.

We tried going to a play group to see if she wanted to play with learning games with other kids, we even hosted it at our house a few times and I loved the other women that taught it and seeing how their kids reacted to structured learning. They and their children are the kind of people who probably do well in public school because they have such amazing Mothers. But every time we would go, Ada was much more interested in the toys and exploring the house than she was with the organized play that was taking place between the teacher and the other kids. So play she did. I have gradually done less and less of those semi structured activities and for a long time I've felt guilty about not doing them. And so my question, word by word, flies out the window until only this is left:  

How will I teach her?

I've accepted the fact that my way of teaching, the way I've always thought worked well, always gave me success with kids, was flawed. I recently read something in The Big Book of Unschooling, by Sandra Dodd, about the nature of learning and how learning requires only one person. Teaching, in fact, only requires one person, and does not guarantee learning, if you happen to have a pupil. I understand that if I am to parent this independent minded child, there's not necessarily teaching involved. What I need to do is facilitate learning. To do that I need to think about who Ada is and how she learns, how she enjoys life, what does she want?

Do As I'm Doing.

Another thing that happened last year was that I joined a book club.  I decided that if I wanted Ada to want to read, she needed to see how much I loved reading; as in Books. After all, what I do on the computer isn't reading. I push buttons, the buttons make sounds and there are pictures that become videos for her to watch. Books though, as I intentionally read books in front of her, text books, novels, nonfiction, poetry, suddenly I saw a flame in her mind as she brought up her own books from her room to 'read' while I read mine lounging on the couch.

Helping Hands

One of Ada's very first words was Help. Help, by throwing random sometimes edible things into the mixing bowl. Help by chopping the Lettuce. I've  gotten better at letting her help as well as organizing my kitchen and work space so it can be accessible and safe for her, so I don't have to tell her no when that's what she wants to do. I often find her, when the house feels too quiet, standing on her stool cutting a random vegetable she has retrieved from the fridge or pouring her cup of milk into the sugar and mixing it around very methodically, with an intense look of 'I'm doing something important' on her face.

Another thing that Ada has shown an outward interest in doing is something we do as a family at least once a week. I have a basket in our living room that is full of sound makers. Shakers, a bongo drum, harmonica, all beaten up and/or passed along from the thrift store, but in perfect working order. We can all be happy making nose on the shakers and tambourines until we pull the guitar out. It was given me by the most dearest of friends and I have over the years learned a few tunes. I don't play as much as I'd like and every time I do, I end up going to the same few songs that I already know well and it's a family event. Which means it doesn't take long before someone is hurt because the other is playing the guitar and Mom and Dad are busy trying to keep the guitar in one piece.

Yesterday at the store Ariel took the kids to the toy section while I went to the fabric. Ada found a guitar. In fact, she refused to leave the guitar on the shelf. Every one of the ten times we put the guitar back, she snuck back to retreive it and contantly made sure it was STILL in the cart. We didn't buy it. Then last night we were playing drums and dancing around like the fools we are, when Ada asked to get the guitar out. I played a bit, Ariel played a bit and then Ada sat down on on a short seat with her legs at just the right angle to allow her small arms over the guitar. She started to play and sing. Not words, not a tune, but a song; music. So sad my camera was out of batteries. It was sublime, I tell you. 

Other things Ada loves are wearing dresses with pretty bows, flowers, sewing with me, pretending with her dolls, cutting hair, digging in dirt, pulling leaves off plants, Painting, Taking Molly for walks and throwing the ball, and lots of other fun three year old things.


So this is Ada's curriculum over the next year, give or take, change or not, depending on her wishes. Singing and playing the guitar, Making a dress with Mama, Helping Mama cook, Nature Walks, Painting (sometimes structured, sometimes not) Quiet time in her room with Mama reading to her while she plays, as long as she is happy. 

This is Mama's curriculum over the next year: Find Ada a guitar, Read books aloud to Ada and Nahuel and let Ada and Nahuel see me enjoy my own books. Go to the library, let them choose out their own books. Play the guitar more, with Ada and Nahuel. Take nature walks and go camping more often. Enjoy the garden, set apart a garden plot for Ada and Nahuel to sow seeds and water them and watch things grow.. Sew Ada lots of pretty things and let Ada help. 

Coming Out

I'd like to share a dream, an itch. A reoccurring thought that nurtures and inspires other dreams while weaving it's way through me, making itself into my future. The first time I remember making sense of it I was a kid 'playing' with my girl friend Megan from across the street. I don't remember how old I was, I only remember the topic of conversation and the look of the light on the cement walls of my basement, sheets hung as partitions separating the play area from my Mom's work area, and sitting daydreaming about my future. The subject of conversation was 'if we could live anywhere we wanted...'

Of course the dream has changed since I was a kid. I use to want stables and horses and the whole idea was based on my vague idea of living on a ranch. There were animals in pastures and growing things and trees lining the whole of it. It's all still there, in my imagination, but now there are structures and more useful animals. And there are other things too. Like for example...People. More specifically...Kids. Now the nut shell of the life I want is this: A piece of land where the earth gives me what I need to grow a family and grow old with the ones that I love.

Ariel was born to some of the richest soils on the earth. A year round growing season for some of my favorite plants including but not limited to Eggplants. The climate, other than this unprecidented drought year, is perfect for entertaining my pastoral daydreams. This and the constant smell of the rain just on the edge of the next wisp of grey cloud, helped me to love that soil, those sunsets, the eucalyptus that give the horizon contour. Living on the outskirts of a small city on la pampa, I imagined my life with a few kids and some close friends on a plot of land far from civilization. I imagined a place secluded from most Argentine reality, so far from people that might take advantage of us and our North American capitalist roots that we would be forced to make a way for ourselves on the land. Of course we would need no forcing, this is part of the dream.

I dreamt about how we would meet a lot of our needs. Our need for an energy source: solar, wind, hydro; our food needs: seeds, greenhouses, root cellars, clean water. The most enjoyable needs to daydream about were how we would bring up those five beautiful children that we wanted. I had planned out a structure. It was simple, rustic; with strong bones and wide open spaces. Reading nooks and learning spaces with a little winding staircase that led to a star observatory on the roof. Chairs you could melt into a book with and tables with running water and art spaces. It was my version of what people straight out of a Charlotte Bronte novel would have done for being educated. With a little guidance and discipline combined with the natural processes of human curiosity and the world around them. Of course it was based on a firm spiritual belief that being close to nature would spark a flame and a curiosity for life that isn't found by spending your life in the suburbs, in public school, as I was. I had brief moments of fire-fed learning and growing, academically. But I think I've always recognized that the system I was educated in was stifling. I knew that few saw in me what I saw in myself and I bleieved that eventually I would figure out how to pull it out of myself on my own. I'm still trying. And sometimes I can't say I have the remotest idea how.   

And now I find that reality puts me far from that dream. But there's one piece that I follow still. Of course I haven't given up the idea of homesteading somewhere. After school, after Ariel finishes his quest to feel realized in some professional capacity, haven proved himself in two worlds, two languages, two cultures. But, after living in my current situation for more than five years, I've realized that there is no reason to wait for a lot of those things until I live in some pastoral paradise.

And as my children, who finally came, grow, I realize that this is one part of my dream that I need to cling to more than ever. They grow, they change, they learn new words and attitudes. The people that they are, regardless of the setting, show more and more color. With the culture of our family, what we choose to bring forward out of our own experiences as humans and children, I see a great need to let my children decide for themselves what they want to learn and how. I don't know what I've done to them to make them this way, but they are both highly suspicious of me. It just doesn't work to present something to them and say 'here, learn this' or 'come on don't you think this is interesting and fun, I do, don't you?' I know my kids and I know it doesn't work. So I guess this is a coming out of sorts. This isn't a subject I talk about very much, I guess I don't like having to explain myself when the inevitable doubtful questions come. I don't think that this is new for anyone I know, or who know me.  But it's stronger in this suburban ghetto than it's ever been in my romantic imaginings of cleaner air and more plentiful soil. When I imagine myself, when I imagine my kids, who are still young, I know that there is one thing that has always been the same.

My two oldest will have to suffer through a kitchen table and a back yard farm in the suburbs for a school house. I'm still trying to work out the details. I'll follow my own rugged way and I may have my eyes blindfolded half the time walking forward with faith, but one thing is for certain: I Am a Home Schooler. 

After this post, I will officially be a Mommy Blogger. I've never blogged about my kids more than a word here and there and a few images. But I have to say that I am really in Love with the stages that they're in right now. Nahuel is so tender and sensitive and I love the way that he needs me. But his affection has expanded lately. Being a nursing Mamma's boy it's only natural that his attachment to me is stronger, but lately he shows more the need for his Papa's gentleness. He also gets more mischievous by the hour. Anything that can be strewn across the floor will be.  We've been busy securing all furniture and seeking out hiding places because everything is either a ladder or a hide out for more trouble.

Ada lives more in her own imaginative world every time I look at her, but more so when I've just tied a bow in the back of her dress. Ada is very particular about dresses. A dress is not a dress unless is is ankle length, soft, flowy and has some ruffles with a long sash that ties in the back. This is convenient since her Grandmother is a dressmaker and has volumes worth of sewing wisdom for her mother. I intend to take advantage fully of this feminine tendency of Ada's, being a lover of dresses myself, but by no means a prompter of this creative glitch, uniquely hers. I outgrew my Mothers good taste when I was about 12 and ever since have been trying to master the art of figuring out how to make whatever it is I want with dollar-a-yard fabric and no zippers, buttons, or any special stitches or feet. Sometimes I feel bad for her because she doesn't have a Mother who will teach her the wiles of womanhood. I paint my nails about once a year. I love to wear dresses with tennis shoes, I brush my hair about once a month. That's not to say I don't look in the mirror, but using a brush for more than my teeth is definitely not in my daily routine. (Actually Ariel gave Ada and I an assortment of brushes for Christmas because we didn't have any, anymore...)

My favorite part about when Ada wears a dress is the look on her face just after she finishes putting it on. As soon as it registers in her mind that she is wearing a dress A hazed almost drugged look floods her eyes as she focuses on some image in her mind of I wish I knew what and where...Sometimes she spreads her fingers out and runs them down the length of the skirt until her fingers no longer reach and then flips them out and twirls. Often she wanders around in a daze or just sits there for a few minutes and it's useless to talk to her because she is in a very far away place. Only when you clap in front of her face or catch her eye with something flashy and pretty does she look at you and giggle, not because she has been woken into this reality, but because you have suddenly become part of what she is imagining.


Last night we came home from a party where Ada's coat mysteriously disappeared, much to my annoyance. It wasn't very cold and wrapping my scarf around her neck was plenty to send her out into the air. When we arrived Ada and Nahuel ran off like they usually do to play their game of making Mama or Papa carry them into the house, stopping at the grapevine angel choir that lights up our house for the holidays. Ada said that the angels were cold and started to take off the scarf and wrap it around the neck of the angel at the front. At which time I ran inside to grab the camera and arrived just as she was putting the finishing touch on the scarf wrap.

I might add my children are obsessed with yard art. It if were up to them we'd have pinwheels and wishing wells and little statues of people all over. But alas I have not yet come to that place in my life, though I don't doubt that I will.  After the scarf was in place Ada stood and surveyed the scene and then walked up to the scarved figure and kissed the lighted being, walked to each one in turn, kissing them as well.

Some people are Huggers, some people prefer a good handshake at arms length and others a slight nod.  My Son is going through an identity crisis and is still figuring out what he is, but the rest of us here, we're Kissers.  It's one of the parts of Ariel's culture that I love most. Warm and inviting. When you walk into a gathering no matter how large or small, it's customary to walk around to each individual and kiss them a hello. It's a custom that breaks the ice, helps you to meat new people. After all, if you're in the same gathering, you must have something in common and there's an unconscious part of it that is validating. Obviously if I'm clean, good, pretty, human, enough to be kissed then I'm doing something right. I've mostly learned where to kiss and where not to kiss, but sometimes I go into kissing mode and kiss people that most definitely don't understand why I would do such a thing. Of course it's not necessarily a real kiss and my lips don't necessarily actually touch your cheek or any other part of your skin. It's a greeting that is cherished in hundreds of cultures around the globe and I feel that it helps people feel more connected. Once you've kissed someone there's no going back. It doesn't matter whether you are the same or agree or even like each other, you can deal with each other on civil terms.

Language is a key topic in our household, not just because my kids are learning what it is, but because we have a bilingual home and both languages are constantly growing and taking shape in one or the other of Ariel and I. Because of this Ada, though three, doesn't talk very much. Actually I don't know very many other three year old children very well. Maybe they don't talk very much either, but Ada is smart enough in every other way that I'm not worried about how she'll grasp it or when. She understands completely every word in both languages, she just doesn't say all of them yet. However with every other way of communicating Ada is a master.

All of these things combined make this figurative moment very important in how I view Ada and Nahuel and Mothering them in this place in our lives. Imaginative, sensitive to others needs, affectionate, playful. I can't claim to have researched every part of every stage of development that my kids will ever go through. All I know is that they are unique and beautiful. I believe that the nature of being human contains a self-propelled need to grow and change; experiment until you get something right and then move on to the next stage. I feel, in very simplified terms, that if I feed the need they'll make their own choices about what makes them happy and what they need to learn and will be at a great advantage having figured out how to learn early in life, something that I'm still figuring out.

I guess in a way this is my New Years resolution. In the last year I've been too distracted from what changes my kids are making. They are at a critical stage in their figuring out how to be people. Along with dog training and personal training and expanding my gardening skills and area are my kids. One important goal as I go into a new phase of Motherhood is to come up with a solid yet flexible plan to help my children to learn who they are, including reading and writing and enjoying simple things that will form them into anything but simple.

Happy New Year!