Sunday, December 11

A breath of fresh air is when you FEEL spontaneous and in the same instance are able to BE spontaneous. 

Sundays I usually put my kids down for a sabbath movie a couple hours before we leave for Church. If it's calm enough it helps my son take a nap and my daughter relax a little while before we tackle church, which is no small task for a Mother, especially when she has no husband with her that day. Which brings me to this moment. 

My mind is alight with thoughts and inspirations that come to me on wings of songs. Songs that help me remember the simple parts of me that I want to see more frequently. It is no small coincidence that I feel this way today.  This week has been busier and more stressful than usual. My husband and I both finished semesters in our respective fields of study, putting an end to the last few weeks of constant movie watching for my kids. In some small way, I think maybe it has helped. I wish I was the kind of person whose children didn't like to watch whatever presents itself on that screen in front of them. But Motherhood has afforded me that one occupation for my children when I need to do something with out small hands in between wanting to share in the fun. After the last few weeks my kids will probably not ASK to watch a movie in quite some time. And I hope not to ask it of them. 

Wings of song bring me the voice of one calming female whose voice rings of things real, spontaneous and self reflective. Things of the heart that usually aren't open for everyone on facebook to see. Well, my heart anyway. And while this semester has brought me closer to a lot of things that I want for myself, knowledge of things close to my core, I am tired. My kids are tired and growing and need more of their Mother.  So next semester I won't be in school. Not that it's a terribly lot of time I spend there, just two nights a week. It's been great for them to have more time with their Papa and depend on HIM more. To hear bedtime stories from HIM, have HIM make them dinner which they will not eat and bathe them and clean their room with them, because he usually works in the evening and those aren't the kind of things he usually gets to do with them. I won't deny that it's been really good for me too. But now is a convenient break and a change of winds. 

Do you ever have that feeling that things are about to change. And you don't know how or when, or maybe you just don't recognize that they already have? and every breath is tainted with just a little more excitement for what's next, but also the moment you're in becomes clearer and more joyfilled. Do you get that? It's a flavor thing, but one from the sixth sense of happiness, the one just out of my peripheral thought spectrum.

So I set out in this post to write about some of the things I want for the future. Because I know that changes in our lives are not usually predictable, but I like to think that I have SOME sense of control and it would clear my head. I guess I'm getting a jump start on my new years resolution.  Maybe it's the fact that I'll have two nights and few more hours, normally spent studying per week, to be myself. Maybe it's that my husband might switch gears at work to a normal schedule with more hours and health benefits. Or maybe it's that I want to figure out if I'm really going to do this whole home school life. I could go on and on for days about maybe's. But the point is that even though there's nothing wrong with the way things have been for quite some time, there are a lot of things right that aren't as good as they could be. There's a sense of motivation that I feel at this moment that I want to remember when it goes. It tells me that if there were more sleep and exercise and reading, especially from very specific more sacred texts, then there would be more of me to read to my kids and garden and cook real food and basically everything else that I never feel like I have the energy to do because there's too much laundry to fold or the dishes just keep piling up...

And that's it, in a nutshell.




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